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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Well I've just found another way to depress myself. I've convinced myself that looking at things philosophically is just a loser's way of looking at the world. I'll tell you why. Of late, I have been rejected by two firms for an internship and by the college for an exchange program, the latter which I really, really wanted. I know I shouldn't have expected to get it, but it still hit me pretty hard. Along with that, the reality of my pathetic CGPA became all too apparent. Its all but done away with the 'embrace the world' attitude I'd adopted in the hols.

After seeing New York in the holidays, seeing another country, another place which I connected with to such an extent, I was excited like I hadn't been for a very long time. I knew I could get there, I WANTED to get there. The world seemed to be my oyster, to use a cliched phrase. Then law school happened and all my inadequacies caught up with me. Big time. And just the other day, I was reflecting on how law school gave you a very skewed perspective of life. Because, life does not exist only within law school, it happily thrums outside this institution, and offers opportunities and allows all types to exist, even thrive. I tried fairly hard to use this attitude to make my thinking more positive. I told myself again and again that this was not what I wanted anyway, and what I really wanted was still within my reach. But, there is this nagging voice at the back of my head which keeps saying that no mater how much I philosophize, how much I look at things from a broader perspective, no matter how long I try to motivate myself, the fact remains that I have screwed up....and badly at that.

I seem to have suffered this almost irreparable loss in self-confidence - my first thought for any job I'm given is "I can't do it!". And the nerves start to build up..I can't sleep, I can't even work properly because I'm so nervous...Its a differnet thing that I manage to do it fairly well at the end of the day. Its an insanely vicious cycle and frankly, I'm unable to see how I'm going to get out of this one. Scary, scary stuff.

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