Lord of the Bling

I might get ostracised for blasphemy by fellow LOTR fans, but anyway, here goes nothing :)

"This story is not an ordinary one. It is a tale of great endurance, true spirit of womankind and the unerring quest of fashion experts to whip up that perfect combination of clothes and accessories that would send anyone even slightly fashion conscious into raptures of delight. More importantly, it is about their desperation to disown and completely destroy anything unfashionable; that piece designed while in a bad mood, or something which did not achieve that right balance or colour and class, or that incriminating item of clothing which seemed to attract nothing but laughs from the general public. And it is about how, if you have enemies in the fashion world, you really need to watch it!

Our protagonist is Prada, a young promising fashion designer. One day, after a quarrel with her boyfriend, she went home and in a fit of great anger, designed a a ring so hideously unfashionable that would have blinded people with it colour and jazz and made models want to throw even more tantrums than usual. Prada, blustery and insensible after her fight went to sleep over her design; she was the rebellious sort and had designed this nightmare in a fit of disillusionment, to prove to the fashion world that......well she wasn't sure what kind of point she was proving yet but she was sure it was a bloody good one. But little did she know that this might be her Undoing.

She was woken by a call from her boyfriend Tommy (yes, Mr Hilfiger himself, that racist freak who keeps trying to introduce pink shirts as an integral part of men's fashion). Tommy was unfortunately not a very nice chap and was super pissed about the previous day's fight. He was also a man with evil designs to take over the fashion world and make all anorexic models submit to his will. Further, he had knowledge of an ancient magic (some randomness in the story is required) which involved the forging of metals in a diabolical way that a hideous Power could be hidden in the metal and unleashed at will (talk about bad luck). The Power grew stronger when it was fed by sloth, overweight, faux pas and other such sins in the fashion world. So, when the fateful phone call was made, Tommy used his glib and oily tongue to convince Prada to turn over her latest design to him. He knew that in a fit of rage, she was prone to fashioning items that hit absolutely rock bottom as far as fashion sense was concerned and he capitalized on this knowledge of his. Prada, young and naive was glad at any attempt for reconciliation and fell under the spell of his fell words. Wooed thus, she went to his house with the design and Tommy forged that Bling; the chunkiest, loudest, gaudiest affair to have ever been seen.

But the real Danger with the Bling was the effect it had on Nine unfortunate and pitiful souls, namely, the Nine Overweight ones who dared to try modeling. The Bling sapped these unsuspecting souls of all pleasure, ambition and body mass, making them flat, anorexic beanpoles who could adequately carry off skimpy clothes. These Nine roamed the streets looking for fellow victims to add to their cult but fortunately with little success. However, their eerie Effect was felt by all those around them, who were completely stripped of any dressing sense. Thus, men took to wearing red pants and golden shirts (in other words, they turned metro-sexual) while women wore amazingly shapeless garments with abundant sequins while they insisted complemented their figures.

In the midst of all this, Prada was unaware of the consequences of her design. Tommy went back to be the loving boyfriend that he was earlier. However, there was a subtle change in his features. There was a greedy shadow in his eyes and his smile was a bit too wide and conveyed a rather sinister impression. And he wore the Bling non stop. One day, Prada's good friend and wise woman Parissienne visited her. There was a great urgency in her bearing and her whole demeanour was troubled. Prada was concerned and asked her what the matter was. "Trouble is brewing."she replied with brevity that fashion designers do not find fashionable. Prada was deeply moved and questioned her further. Parissienne opened up, "Ah well zis bleeng you ahve dezigned, eet ees hideous. No elegance, no pizzaz, no panache...verrry uninspired...I did not expect dees from you! Ah zere is no symmetry in ze creation, eet ees unsophisticated to the very extreme and wait....I am getting ze carried away. I come to tell you ze vaary bad news hmmmm....ze Nine are abroad and zey are looking for victims. Zey will claim you first, zey will make you one of zem my well proportioned princess, and your boyfriend, he eez a bad un, yes!". Prada had not understood the latter part of this rant at all and asked for clarification. Parissienne obliged and thus recounted the tale of the One Bling that has been related above. "Ze only way for you my pigeon", she concluded, "eez to undertake the perilous journey on foot to Paris..ah Paris, la magnifique....and burn ze bling in ze fires of that greatest desinger of zem all, Coco Chanel." "Why on foot?" asked Prada. "Because eet eez more perilous and weeel make for a better tale! And plus ze Nine are watching all ze Airports, Ports and Railway stations!" retorted Parissienne.

And thus, the saga of the Bling began, thwarting the forces of evil and wardrobe malfunctions (these being mainly gravitational) Prada and her companions braved several dangers and emerged victorious, thus saving Prada's career and the fashion industry from major crisis.The entire tale of the Bling is too big to be recorded in this humble blog. However, this journey of fashion has been immortalized in several manuscripts and notes made by Prada and her travelling companies, a summary of the entire trip contained most notably in "Our Story" by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. I'm happy to say that at the end of it all, our heroines were able to live happily together till the end of their days."